


For All That I Have Lost

by BeautifulCreature



Series: Reflection Letters [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bucky Barnes Feels, Depression, Gen, Letter, Mentions of Character Death, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Spoilers, Steve Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-17
Updated: 2016-05-17
Packaged: 2018-06-09 03:14:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,577
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6887344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BeautifulCreature/pseuds/BeautifulCreature
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Steve Rogers reflects on his life after the events of Civil War.</p>
            </blockquote>





	For All That I Have Lost

**Author's Note:**

> This is sort of a sequel type story to my previous story "Letter to Anonymous". Please do not read if you haven't watched Captain America: Civil War. There are MAJOR SPOILERS to the end and mid-credit scene of the movie. If you have watched it and are reading this, I hope you enjoy it. :)

Dear Anonymous,

Accompanied by a photographic memory, I remember the day vividly. We were fighting a war against HYDRA, one that led us to a train where Bucky met his demise. I always believed I could’ve done more to help him. Maybe if I had moved closer I could’ve reached his hand and pulled him to safety. Similarly, if I had protected him better maybe he wouldn’t have even had the chance to fall.

In the months after his death I settled into a deep depression. If I wasn’t fighting the war with HYDRA, I was drinking various alcoholic beverages. There was no possibility of getting drunk due to the serum but that didn’t prevent me from drinking multiple bottles per night. During those nights I would cry until there were no more tears to be released. The scene of Bucky falling would replay in my mind over and over again until I found the sense to focus on something else.

Every day after his death a different memory would play in my mind. I don’t remember the exact order of the memories, although I do remember what some were. On one particular day the memory of Bucky and I sleeping together on the couch surfaced. The night was relatively cold for early winter in Brooklyn and my asthma was provoked by the frigid air. In order to prevent more attacks, Bucky lied against me and wrapped his body around mine, protecting me from the cold. During the time before the serum I had a horrible immune system, let alone enough body heat to keep everything running.

The main purpose of his action was to warm me, I know that now. Although during the moment, I wasn’t sure if he was being overprotective or doing something to make jokes about in the future. Despite these thoughts, we laid together for hours. He remained there until I fell asleep and was still there when I woke the next morning. His plan had been effective. After he warmed me with his body heat, I had only two attacks before I slept.

I cherish the memories I have with Bucky. These particular memories stung more at the time than they do now. The most important person in my life since my childhood had suddenly died. He meant everything to me and then he was gone as if he was never there. There were constantly reports on his death that grounded me in reality. I didn’t want to believe he was dead, but I had to for my sanity. There was a dark path waiting if I didn’t accept reality when I did.

When I woke from the ice after seventy years everything had changed. There was even more technology than when I went under. New York City was over-populated, and there were even more villains living within plain sight. SHIELD became an organization that mattered much more than it did in the 1940s. At the time, there was no source of HYDRA, which seemed too good to be true. Most of all, Bucky was still gone. I don’t know if I hoped he would’ve somehow survived the fall and lived in the city until I woke.

Working with the Avengers was interesting for a while, though I still wished Bucky was there with me. He would’ve been surprised to see that I work with the son of Howard Stark. It would most definitely remind him of our times together in the 1940s when we would watch the latest technology with the other residents of Brooklyn. Afterwards we would go drinking together with dates and the women were usually more focused on Bucky than me.

I was reminded of the horrors before the ice when SHIELD realized HYDRA agents were laced within them. It wasn’t a surprise that HYDRA had a highly trained assassin working for them. The surprise began when that assassin—the Winter Soldier—turned out to be Bucky. After all those years I had accepted he was dead, only to figure out that he was frozen during most of those years.

The time I spent crying and praying he would return alive were a waste. I barely remember some days during those rough patches. Most of those days are only a blur; hidden behind the depression. When Bucky fell off the train, I lost my ability to live. Of course I was able to function properly, but that was it. I was surviving, not living. I don’t regret missing him, though I do regret throwing away years of my life I could’ve spent with Bucky if I had known he survived.

Watching what he had become was painful. It seemed as if I was looking at the shattered shell of the man he used to be. His appearance was almost completely different, accompanied with a metal arm to replace the flesh one he lost in the fall. Most of all, he was trapped within the mind of a killer. There was nothing to show the Bucky I used to know besides the very features of his face. I didn’t know the man he was created to be and I didn’t want to. I only wanted my best friend back more than anything.

Though somewhere deep within his mind I knew he was hiding; terrified of the world around him. If he didn’t remember the slightest detail about me and decided the mission was more important, so be it. I wasn’t going to kill him because even as a shell, he was my best friend. He needed to realize that there was more to his story than HYDRA. When he pulled me out of the river it became apparent that he had remembered something. At the time, I wasn’t sure what that detail was. Even to this day I’m not certain of the memory.

With Sam’s help I dedicated the next two years to finding Bucky’s location. We searched every abandoned HYDRA base within the previous knowledge of SHIELD. It wasn’t a surprise when the base was completely empty, but there was always a thought that someone could be operating there. Finally we found a location where his presence was reported: Bucharest, Romania. It made sense that he would hide somewhere he thought no one would recognize him.

Once he returned from the Winter Soldier, it was almost as if I had him back with me again. Many characteristics about him were different: his humor, appearance, and mentality, but that wasn’t going to change the fact that he was with me again. The only thing preventing us from being together indefinitely was the government and the members of my team who believed in their views. Under no circumstance would I have given him to the government. I had spent too many years without him.

In the moments that he lost most of his metal arm, I was unsure of what to think. To put it in simpler terms, I wasn’t thinking at all. The only thing my mind processed was the fact that my own team member destroyed a part of him. If Tony was willing to destroy part of him to help his own grief, he could’ve done much more to punish Bucky. This list included possibly killing him for revenge. That was something I couldn’t allow myself to ignore. I had to retaliate for those actions, no matter how difficult it would be.

Some people claim my actions that day were uncalled for and unprofessional. In my opinion I did what I had to in order to protect my best friend. I had already lost Peggy and I wasn’t ready to lose Bucky again, too. I spent too much time searching for him to throw him to the government like part of my team wanted. If protecting Bucky meant performing illegal acts I wasn’t going to hesitate. After all, I’m not the purely innocent man everyone says I am.

From that point, I believed Bucky belonged to me again. I believed he would be safe within my protection. I believed that he would want to remain by my side like he did when I was injected with the serum. Those beliefs were proven false when Bucky decided he was dangerous. I refuse to forgive the people that made him feel like a monster because of his past. The reactions of those people made him choose cryostasis instead of me.

I realize that he wanted to protect innocent people from the Winter Soldier, but what about me? What about the years that passed in a blur while he was gone? I doubt he realized how much I love him. I love him more than I love myself most days. When I had nothing, I had Bucky. I wouldn’t use the word betrayed, but I feel disappointed that he chose something over me. Unfortunately, there was no way I could’ve talked him out of it. If I had tried, he might’ve pulled farther away from me. That was something I couldn’t risk.

Since he returned to cryostasis I haven’t felt anything. I’m relieved that he’s alive but I know that he’s gone once again. Before Peggy passed away, I hadn’t cried for years. When I believed Bucky had died I cried almost every night. After the ice, I didn’t cry once until Peggy. It has been weeks since Peggy passed and I haven’t cried at all. I suppose I have lost everything because of the serum.  

From,

Steve Rogers


End file.
